Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Should You Touch a Hamster's Head?

Apparently someone found this blog the other day by googling: “should you touch a hamster's head?”. Unfortunately for them the post it led them to reads:

"Taurus: You know you should really stop hurling fistfuls of hamsters out the window of your speeding car, but they’re so darn cute."
Which highlights once again how very short this blog falls as an advice shop.

So it’s probably rather overdue, but it feels like time for Aunty L1z to once more dust down her magic eight ball, swing open the doors of guidance and address the world of agony that has led unsuspecting googlers to these shores of late:

  • roughest areas of manchesteroh it’s safe as houses round here mate; there are a few dodgy bits…here, let me hold your bag, whilst you get out your AtoZ and I’ll point them out to you...
  • tom cruise albanianno he’s a scientologist. An easy mistake to make I appreciate, however only one of the groups encourage pregnant women to give birth in silence, as far as I know. There is of course another term that springs to mind for people who think like that, but it would probably be libellous to repeat it.
  • nights out radiographers ooh sounds wild, do drop me an invite!
  • busking outfit well it depends what effect you’re going for – the Dexy’s style dungaree look is always good for a skiffle outfit, whereas head to toe black lycra is more traditional for mimes. Of course few people look good in head to toe lycra, but don’t worry, people will generally be too busy shouting “learn the fucking words, you lazy fucker!” to notice overly.
  • Ooops (from UK google)well what a very strange word to search for, but none-the-less it seems fitting that I feature highly in google for it.
  • Ooops (from Romanian google)ok I’m getting suspicious now – is this a rude word in Romanian or something?
  • albanians living longs1ght I suppose there probably are some, but I don't think Tom Cruise lives there, if that's who you're after?
  • rusty cogs wallpaper sounds…errrrr…lovely….no really, quite delightful…
  • exchange square manchester diagrams - well ok it’s not exactly a square, but do you really need a diagram?
  • add set in san fransisco with coloured balls rolling down a hillyes it’s a lovely advert isn’t it, but rather than spending your day watching pretty little balls bounce down a hill, perhaps you could use the time more productively learning to spell?
  • need help finding funny christmas family newletters to put in christmas cardswell you certainly need help…. Look, for the love of all that is holy, just understand that those round robin things are evil incarnate. If you fail to appreciate this, then I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that you need help on the humour front, but really, plagiarising an amusing tale of how “darling Molly accidentally flooded the kitchen, fusing the electricity, but not before little Joshie was given quite a 'shock' (ho! ho!)” is really about as low as you can get. For the sake of the kids, put them up for adoption so they can truly disown you. Why not do it on Christmas Day? That way, on the off-chance this stuff is hereditary, hopefully little Molly and Joshua, won’t ever feel festive enough to pass on the hell to future generations.
  • how do you get anti vandal paint out of cotton?ok there are two options here: either you’re the proprietor, but were too stupid not to put on old clothes before painting the fence/wall/whatever; or you’re a toerag who was climbing something you shouldn’t have been. If it’s the former, then a spoilt outfit may serve to teach you to engage brain in future. If you’re the latter, well snaps for leaving the synthetic fibres behind for a day, but really, let this be a lesson to you. Either way, you’ll be getting no advice from me you muppet!
  • movement of muscles used for shooting in netballand you need to know this because?
  • Uninvited Guest Shaun CopeShit! How unwelcome to you have to be, for someone to do a search like that?
  • is cheltenham racecourse car boot on this weekendprobably. They often have excellent giraffe on wheels you know. Apart from on August Bank Holiday Weekend, when they don’t…have anything…at all…nada…I’d stay away if I were you…
  • how shakespeare makes act 1 scene 5 of romeo and juliet dramatically effectivestop cheating and do your own bloody homework! Sheesh kids today…
  • a little bit of torture and a touch of execution hmmmm a pleasant country walk and a nice cup of tea can be quite invigorating as well you know…
  • draining carbuncles videoeuwghhh! People like you shouldn’t be allowed on the internet
  • incredibles elastigirl butt - pervert
  • diagram nappy changeoh you’ve so come to the wrong site. But can I advise on the excellent properties of gaffer tape?
  • mutant giraffeoh you so have come to the right site my friend!
  • reach out and touch greenbelt blogwho are you? What do you want? Why are you looking for me damnit?

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