Advice Bureau

Well bless you dear, sweet people, you actually played along with the nonsense poll re my shoulder (still being rested btw). The results at this point are as follows:



And I'm very heartened to see that the many of you inherently understand that a blog is no place to seek medical advice.

Not so the rest of the world it seems, judging by the google searches that refer people to this blog.

So in the spirit of blog advice, perhaps it's time I opened up 1iz's advice bureau again, to impart some wise words to the souls whose searches have brought them to these shores.

• ear plug blu-tack – yeah sounds like a great idea, can’t see a potential downside to that at all. Go for it.
• giraffe mutants – why do I have this sneaking suspicion that this was Sally or Stick looking for a Christmas present for a certain someone?
• giraffe tandem bar – eh? Nah you’ve lost me. Is this a drinking establishment designed with a couple of courting giraffes in mind? Talk about niche market. Not to mention that every time one of the giraffes passed out comatosed (they really can’t handle their beer those giraffes), the landlady would be obliged to turn to it’s mate and say “’ere you can’t leave that lying there!”. To which the longsuffering, designated driver giraffe would be required to reply “that’s not a lion, that’s a giraffe”. And let’s face it that would get a bit tiring for everyone after a while.
• Luscious – at least one person reading this blog will understand why I’m a little nervous to find that someone has located me by searching on that particular term. Hmmmmm…
• tablets that lead to vommitting – sheesshh some people are so posh they want a tablet for everything; what’s wrong with using two fingers down the throat like the rest of the world? And come to think of it isn’t sitting on the computer googling to try and procure such tablets, just a little bit premeditated? So, let's see, posh and suspected eating disorder... fuck me it's Victoria Beckham!
• "i want to have a beard" – well my advice is either wait, do nothing or seek sensitive medical help, depending largely on the age and gender of the searcher. I’m sure you can pick which one is relevant.
• anbesol for ear ache – it’s you with the blu-tack isn’t it? Think of the pain as nature’s way of trying to make you smarter.
• "someone accused me of a crime" - whilst I acknowledge your obvious anxiety about this, I note that you state you've been accused of 'a crime' not accused of 'a crime you didn't commit'. I think you’ll accept that there is a small but salient difference between the two. And frankly if you will go around stealing small spotty dogs to satisfy your couturial aspirations, you only have yourself to blame. Unless of course you had a pair of killer stilettos in mind…now that I could see. Could you do a size 41? Oh and I believe the ears provide particularly soft leather by the way…

Errrr...

From time to time I check the referrals to this site via Site Meter. Regular readers will be aware of my ongoing fascination regarding what strange search terms bring people to these shores.

In a bored moment this evening I had a browse of referrals from the last two days and something catches my eye; a link from a Wikipedia entry for the 'actor' Paul Danan. It must it seems, for some reason, include a link to my blog. How bizarre.

Investigating further...the Wikipedia entry can be found here.

I'm thinking it may not last very long in it's current form, so I'll quote for posterity (pay particular attention to the last line):

Paul Danan is a British actor who played Sol Patrick in the UK teen soap opera Hollyoaks. He also appeared as a contestant on Celebrity Love Island where he had a series of liaisons with the female contestants on the show.

He is currently presenting a British Television series entitled "Test Drive my Girlfriend". Where he acts as a modern-day cupid and dates the girls first. Paul meets the loveless bachelors to discover why they are single, assesses their love requirements and auditions suitable girls all over the UK to draw up a shortlist of two potential suitors.

Paul Danan is widely regarded as a bell end [[1]]

And yes, in case you're wondering, the link from that last sentence leads to my blog.

In particular a post I made last year, which included an extract from a Guardian piece regarding Celebrity Love Island.

So come on, 'fess up, which one of you has been buggering around on Wikipedia?

Should You Touch a Hamster's Head?

Apparently someone found this blog the other day by googling: “should you touch a hamster's head?”. Unfortunately for them the post it led them to reads:

"Taurus: You know you should really stop hurling fistfuls of hamsters out the window of your speeding car, but they’re so darn cute."

Which highlights once again how very short this blog falls as an advice shop.

So it’s probably rather overdue, but it feels like time for Aunty L1z to once more dust down her magic eight ball, swing open the doors of guidance and address the world of agony that has led unsuspecting googlers to these shores of late:

• roughest areas of manchester – oh it’s safe as houses round here mate; there are a few dodgy bits…here, let me hold your bag, whilst you get out your AtoZ and I’ll point them out to you...
  
• tom cruise albanian – no he’s a scientologist. An easy mistake to make I appreciate, however only one of the groups encourage pregnant women to give birth in silence, as far as I know. There is of course another term that springs to mind for people who think like that, but it would probably be libellous to repeat it.
  
• nights out radiographers – ooh sounds wild, do drop me an invite!
  
• busking outfit – well it depends what effect you’re going for – the Dexy’s style dungaree look is always good for a skiffle outfit, whereas head to toe black lycra is more traditional for mimes. Of course few people look good in head to toe lycra, but don’t worry, people will generally be too busy shouting “learn the fucking words, you lazy fucker!” to notice overly.
  
• Ooops (from UK google) – well what a very strange word to search for, but none-the-less it seems fitting that I feature highly in google for it.
  
• Ooops (from Romanian google) – ok I’m getting suspicious now – is this a rude word in Romanian or something?
  
• albanians living longs1ght – I suppose there probably are some, but I don't think Tom Cruise lives there, if that's who you're after?
  
• rusty cogs wallpaper – sounds…errrrr…lovely….no really, quite delightful…
  
• exchange square manchester diagrams - well ok it’s not exactly a square, but do you really need a diagram?
• add set in san fransisco with coloured balls rolling down a hill – yes it’s a lovely advert isn’t it, but rather than spending your day watching pretty little balls bounce down a hill, perhaps you could use the time more productively learning to spell?
  
• need help finding funny christmas family newletters to put in christmas cards – well you certainly need help…. Look, for the love of all that is holy, just understand that those round robin things are evil incarnate. If you fail to appreciate this, then I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that you need help on the humour front, but really, plagiarising an amusing tale of how “darling Molly accidentally flooded the kitchen, fusing the electricity, but not before little Joshie was given quite a 'shock' (ho! ho!)” is really about as low as you can get. For the sake of the kids, put them up for adoption so they can truly disown you. Why not do it on Christmas Day? That way, on the off-chance this stuff is hereditary, hopefully little Molly and Joshua, won’t ever feel festive enough to pass on the hell to future generations.
  
• how do you get anti vandal paint out of cotton? – ok there are two options here: either you’re the proprietor, but were too stupid not to put on old clothes before painting the fence/wall/whatever; or you’re a toerag who was climbing something you shouldn’t have been. If it’s the former, then a spoilt outfit may serve to teach you to engage brain in future. If you’re the latter, well snaps for leaving the synthetic fibres behind for a day, but really, let this be a lesson to you. Either way, you’ll be getting no advice from me you muppet!
  
• movement of muscles used for shooting in netball – and you need to know this because?
  
• Uninvited Guest Shaun Cope – Shit! How unwelcome to you have to be, for someone to do a search like that?
  
• is cheltenham racecourse car boot on this weekend – probably. They often have excellent giraffe on wheels you know. Apart from on August Bank Holiday Weekend, when they don’t…have anything…at all…nada…I’d stay away if I were you…
  
• how shakespeare makes act 1 scene 5 of romeo and juliet dramatically effective – stop cheating and do your own bloody homework! Sheesh kids today…
  
• a little bit of torture and a touch of execution – hmmmm a pleasant country walk and a nice cup of tea can be quite invigorating as well you know…
  
• draining carbuncles video – euwghhh! People like you shouldn’t be allowed on the internet
  
• incredibles elastigirl butt - pervert
  
• diagram nappy change – oh you’ve so come to the wrong site. But can I advise on the excellent properties of gaffer tape?
  
• mutant giraffe – oh you so have come to the right site my friend!
  
• reach out and touch greenbelt blog – who are you? What do you want? Why are you looking for me damnit?

Advice Shop - redux

The last few days have seen a steady surge in referrals to this blog from people looking for the Chand Raat market.

Accordingly I guess it’s fitting time for me to offer another advice shop session for the hapless wanderers whose strange, fascinating and at times downright disturbing search terms have led them to my blog doorstep:

Getting the vaguely sensible/useful stuff out the way first: the Chand Raat Market will indeed be happening in Manchester again this year. So anyone looking to get provisions for Eid, head to L0ngsight Market tonight from 8pm. More details here.

Moving on to the more intriguing search terms:

• polar bears tolerance level – I have no idea what the tolerance level of a polar bear is and I have a sneaking suspicion that practical experiments in this area aren’t to be advised…
• cheer up sam endicott – yeah go on Sam, I mean you may be somewhat ‘living in the 80’s’ both musically and fashion wise (it probably is time to rethink that eye make-up sweetie), highly derivative and not exactly Brandon Flowers' favourite person, but Honest Mistake is still a better tune then most people ever manage to write (though Brandon probably has you pipped there as well to be fair...I'm not really helping am I?)
• pro-tensium – it’s made-up cosmetic firm nonsense, there is no such thing, it doesn’t exist, stop looking.
• UK wedding hair Alnwick – well if hairdressing services are of the same quality as hotel food preparation in that delightful town, then I’d suggest you think again…unless of course you don’t mind their interpretation of “just take a bit of the ends” resulting in you celebrating your big day with a crew cut.
• Dfs Number for Queen elizabeth grammar school – 324895. Next!
• why can custard powder be sometimes explosive – because bozos like you will always decide to conduct a goofy experiment to see if it’s true and that’s one of the ways nature keeps the numbers down.
• bedsits through out warrington – oh geez, what a thing to be needing to search for - your life must be one whole world of pain. Go to the train station now – you’ll thank me in the long run.
• waffle and daub architecture – When Puns Attack (hint try wattle)
• sperm wrinkle cream effectiveness – eeeuuwwwgghh! Just eeeuuwwwgghh!
• dan radcliffes mobile number – well I could tell you, but you missed out the apostrophe so I shan’t
• inappropriate use of anti vandal paint – tagging a tube train?
• what does mums gone to iceland mean – well indeed! Perhaps it simply means that the advertising executives responsible for this gem need a good feminist smack to the chops
• What Critics have to say about the asda mum in a million campaign – the response above may give you a clue as to what this ‘critic’ would have to say about it…
• irony in Reach out and Touch – you won’t find anything like that here thank you
• strange attics – or that
• bondage & domination in rochdale - and definitely nothing like that
• prescribes baileys – George has taught me that Baileys is the suitable prescription for almost any complaint. Usually around the middle of bottle two, I stop with the complaints and start agreeing with her (and anyone else in the room).
• ankle cuff short stories – Once upon a time there was an ankle cuff. It didn’t know what its purpose in life was. This made it very sad. One day it met another similarly aimless ankle cuff and they fell in love. They never did discover their reason for existing, but at least they had each other now. And that was slightly better. The End

This has been a public service blog.

L1z's Advice Shop

It appears that my recent comments about Mum’s broken leg and treatment have led innocent googlers to this blog by mistake.

I don’t know what results the following search was throwing up before they added the ‘exclude’ logic:

slightly twisting her ankle foot -bondage -cuffs -restraints
–domination

…and frankly I don’t want to.

The phrasing and terms people use to search with, continues to intrigue me. What was the person above after? Is it relevant that the ankle is female? Are they seeking advice specifically for a ‘slightly’ twisted ankle, rather than say a ‘moderately’ twisted one?

Whatever the exact nature of their search for knowledge, I fear my blog will have provided little wisdom.

Indeed the same could be said for 90% of the searches that lead people here.

I feel bad about this.

So…just in case they come back...here is my attempt to try and provide some helpful info for some of the recent searchers that have graced these pages.

Let me start by tackling two of the most common searches:

Firsty, the buffet deal at the Nawaab in Levenshulme – look we only went once and it was frankly average, so my advice is to save your pennies and go to their proper restaurant on Rochdale Rd. But...if you value quantity over quality and you insist, and seeing as so many of you want a map, try here. Ok I’ll be even more helpful, as you head out of the city centre on the A6 (Stockport Road), it’s on your right and it looks like this:



Now, if you go, can you mention to the lovely proprietors that they need to get their own sodding website. Thanks.

Secondly, advice for all you people searching for Crazy Frog or Sweetie the Chick ringtones. Stop. Now. No really…STOP! Look they’re bloody annoying and are only going to make you come across as an advertiser’s wet-dream or one of the sheep from school too mindless to go out and chose an individual piece of music for themselves. Go on, be different, I dare you! Put something decent on your mobile – in years to come, when we’re all watching "I luv 2005" and laughing at the muppets who fell for this tacky, commercially motivated fad, you’ll thank me, I promise.

Right, now we’ve got those two out the way, I’ll move on to providing advice for some of the more specific searches that have led people this way:

• "leftover roast potatoes" – do nothing, they’re lovely cold the next day with salad. You really don’t need a recipe you know.
• custard powder (define) – well how can one really define this chemical miracle? It starts out pink in the tin, but turns yellow when you add liquid. No one knows why – life is like that sometimes. Move on.
• making a motorised armchair – just don’t. It so sounds like a bad idea and the elderly relative that you have this in mind for probably has enough problems without you unwittingly creating a hydraulically powered ejector seat
• latest kids newsagent's magazines in s.a. – it’s that one with a free thing-a-mee on the front. Trust me.
• i was falling in love "80's so – so? so what?
• malmaison i-pod – buddy if you left your iPod behind in a Malmaison hotel, then searching on the internet isn’t going to bring it back to you. I feel your pain bro, I really do, but I suggest a phone call to the reception desk might bear more fruit.
• bagel cream cheese locks – ok you clearly need professional help and I’m not even going to try…
• narcissim workplace – is it self-admiration or yellow flowers you’re after? Nodding in the breeze or nodding in self-appoval? To be honest the workplace probably isn’t the place for either.
• gag reflex throat infection – next time: spit.
• email with man popping out of screen – no idea which one you’re after, but it sounds a hoot, when you find it make sure you send it on to your entire address book now wontcha?
• webcam cats "dartmoor" – get out more
• clapper twats – I have no idea what this means, but I will be adopting it as a new insult
• coping living and diying – (sic) I do understand how over ambitious home-improvement projects can lead one to ponder deeper, existential questions. Frankly I blame that Changing Rooms show. My advice: paint the room lavender; it’s very calming and then it all won’t seem so bad.
• nearest place to see "bad santa" and the time it starts – From your house? OK, up the road half a mile, turn left, across the first set of lights and it’s on your right. Hurry – it starts in 5 mins.
• wise words on motivation – you really have come to the wrong website I’m afraid.

Searching

Many thanks again to Caroline for pointing me in the direction of Site Meter, through which I can gather all kinds of cunning information about how people find this blog, how long they stay and how often they visit (who are these 22 people excluding myself that visit this blog on an average day?).

The only downside is that the wonders and the magic of some of Pab’s Internet ESP have now been de-mystified.

In compensation however, one of the most fascinating elements is being able to see the search terms that led people to your door, so bizarre were some that I’ve recently started keeping a record of the more interesting ones:

• Foodchain on hedgehogs


• clockwork nun


• new hey brickworks, rochdale


• webcam babbacombe


• the white stipes gondry (Netherlands)


• imitate art gallery uk levenshulme


• RE


• "lines of desire" footpaths


• polyphonic spree baileys


• photos of fire in BT tunnel under M@nchester


• five step exploding heart touch (Japan)


• falling "garden gnomes" "music video"


• cherry picked mental health oldham


• screen mate fairy


• "ulcers on your throat"


• warrington scallies


• inspirational poster spoof pretension


• "roof garden" paris "before sunset"


• "we will mend it" +"mouse organ"


• gondry white stipes lego


• scary stories from withington


• cdoa swedish band hives


• F***muppet

Is this a fair representation of the tosh I’ve been wibbling on about since starting this blog? Were any of these searchers really looking for me?

Outside of the more bizarre, the most common searches seem to involve people trying to find the Nawaab restaurant in Levenshulme. Maybe I should tell the proprietors?

The scariest referral of all though, was from Google.com, where someone searched on: L1z Friday and I came out as the number 1 result.

Obviously enquiring minds require knowledge as to whether I’m so popular on other days of the week, so here are the current google scores:

• Monday – 2


• Tuesday – 1


• Wednesday – 4


• Thursday – 1


• Friday – 6


• Staurday – 2


• Sunday – 4

Obviously I’ve been slipping on my attention to Fridays.

ETA: switched variations of spelling to reduce this!