Tuesday, April 12, 2005

L1z's Advice Shop

It appears that my recent comments about Mum’s broken leg and treatment have led innocent googlers to this blog by mistake.

I don’t know what results the following search was throwing up before they added the ‘exclude’ logic:

slightly twisting her ankle foot -bondage -cuffs -restraints

…and frankly I don’t want to.

The phrasing and terms people use to search with, continues to intrigue me. What was the person above after? Is it relevant that the ankle is female? Are they seeking advice specifically for a ‘slightly’ twisted ankle, rather than say a ‘moderately’ twisted one?

Whatever the exact nature of their search for knowledge, I fear my blog will have provided little wisdom.

Indeed the same could be said for 90% of the searches that lead people here.

I feel bad about this.

So…just in case they come back...here is my attempt to try and provide some helpful info for some of the recent searchers that have graced these pages.

Let me start by tackling two of the most common searches:

Firsty, the buffet deal at the Nawaab in Levenshulme – look we only went once and it was frankly average, so my advice is to save your pennies and go to their proper restaurant on Rochdale Rd. But...if you value quantity over quality and you insist, and seeing as so many of you want a map, try here. Ok I’ll be even more helpful, as you head out of the city centre on the A6 (Stockport Road), it’s on your right and it looks like this:

Now, if you go, can you mention to the lovely proprietors that they need to get their own sodding website. Thanks.

Secondly, advice for all you people searching for Crazy Frog or Sweetie the Chick ringtones. Stop. Now. No really…STOP! Look they’re bloody annoying and are only going to make you come across as an advertiser’s wet-dream or one of the sheep from school too mindless to go out and chose an individual piece of music for themselves. Go on, be different, I dare you! Put something decent on your mobile – in years to come, when we’re all watching "I luv 2005" and laughing at the muppets who fell for this tacky, commercially motivated fad, you’ll thank me, I promise.

Right, now we’ve got those two out the way, I’ll move on to providing advice for some of the more specific searches that have led people this way:

  • "leftover roast potatoes" – do nothing, they’re lovely cold the next day with salad. You really don’t need a recipe you know.
  • custard powder (define) – well how can one really define this chemical miracle? It starts out pink in the tin, but turns yellow when you add liquid. No one knows why – life is like that sometimes. Move on.
  • making a motorised armchair – just don’t. It so sounds like a bad idea and the elderly relative that you have this in mind for probably has enough problems without you unwittingly creating a hydraulically powered ejector seat
  • latest kids newsagent's magazines in s.a. – it’s that one with a free thing-a-mee on the front. Trust me.
  • i was falling in love "80's so – so? so what?
  • malmaison i-pod – buddy if you left your iPod behind in a Malmaison hotel, then searching on the internet isn’t going to bring it back to you. I feel your pain bro, I really do, but I suggest a phone call to the reception desk might bear more fruit.
  • bagel cream cheese locks – ok you clearly need professional help and I’m not even going to try…
  • narcissim workplace – is it self-admiration or yellow flowers you’re after? Nodding in the breeze or nodding in self-appoval? To be honest the workplace probably isn’t the place for either.
  • gag reflex throat infection – next time: spit.
  • email with man popping out of screen – no idea which one you’re after, but it sounds a hoot, when you find it make sure you send it on to your entire address book now wontcha?
  • webcam cats "dartmoor" – get out more
  • clapper twats – I have no idea what this means, but I will be adopting it as a new insult
  • coping living and diying – (sic) I do understand how over ambitious home-improvement projects can lead one to ponder deeper, existential questions. Frankly I blame that Changing Rooms show. My advice: paint the room lavender; it’s very calming and then it all won’t seem so bad.
  • nearest place to see "bad santa" and the time it starts – From your house? OK, up the road half a mile, turn left, across the first set of lights and it’s on your right. Hurry – it starts in 5 mins.
  • wise words on motivation – you really have come to the wrong website I’m afraid.

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