Thursday, November 09, 2006

Advice Bureau

Well bless you dear, sweet people, you actually played along with the nonsense poll re my shoulder (still being rested btw). The results at this point are as follows:



And I'm very heartened to see that the many of you inherently understand that a blog is no place to seek medical advice.

Not so the rest of the world it seems, judging by the google searches that refer people to this blog.

So in the spirit of blog advice, perhaps it's time I opened up 1iz's advice bureau again, to impart some wise words to the souls whose searches have brought them to these shores.

  • ear plug blu-tack – yeah sounds like a great idea, can’t see a potential downside to that at all. Go for it.
  • giraffe mutants – why do I have this sneaking suspicion that this was Sally or Stick looking for a Christmas present for a certain someone?
  • giraffe tandem bar – eh? Nah you’ve lost me. Is this a drinking establishment designed with a couple of courting giraffes in mind? Talk about niche market. Not to mention that every time one of the giraffes passed out comatosed (they really can’t handle their beer those giraffes), the landlady would be obliged to turn to it’s mate and say “’ere you can’t leave that lying there!”. To which the longsuffering, designated driver giraffe would be required to reply “that’s not a lion, that’s a giraffe”. And let’s face it that would get a bit tiring for everyone after a while.
  • Luscious – at least one person reading this blog will understand why I’m a little nervous to find that someone has located me by searching on that particular term. Hmmmmm…
  • tablets that lead to vommitting – sheesshh some people are so posh they want a tablet for everything; what’s wrong with using two fingers down the throat like the rest of the world? And come to think of it isn’t sitting on the computer googling to try and procure such tablets, just a little bit premeditated? So, let's see, posh and suspected eating disorder... fuck me it's Victoria Beckham!
  • "i want to have a beard" – well my advice is either wait, do nothing or seek sensitive medical help, depending largely on the age and gender of the searcher. I’m sure you can pick which one is relevant.
  • anbesol for ear ache – it’s you with the blu-tack isn’t it? Think of the pain as nature’s way of trying to make you smarter.
  • "someone accused me of a crime" - whilst I acknowledge your obvious anxiety about this, I note that you state you've been accused of 'a crime' not accused of 'a crime you didn't commit'. I think you’ll accept that there is a small but salient difference between the two. And frankly if you will go around stealing small spotty dogs to satisfy your couturial aspirations, you only have yourself to blame. Unless of course you had a pair of killer stilettos in mind…now that I could see. Could you do a size 41? Oh and I believe the ears provide particularly soft leather by the way…

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

I have had a very long couple of days. As such I can't work out if those are real searches or not. If they are real then how did you find out. If they aren't real I would feel really silly now if I was actually awake enough to care.

Emma said...

I think you're right about Victoria Beckham writing in....posh, easting disorder *and* stupid. (Check spelling of search term...)

Sorry, small but pissy.
E x

Anonymous said...

I think you might find a few of those are searches from "Posh". I would need ear plugs if I had to listen to Becks voice day after day, but you need to be stupid to think of blu-tack. And she has certainly committed crimes against musical good taste. She is obviously a serial visitor.

Caroline said...

dearest Merlin, as you well know the lovely liz is just psychic....no really, it's time for you to feel silly...
she has the benefit of a 'sitemeter' or similar website monitor which collects and reports info including the referral page for visitors to the site, the results are no doubt very scarily real....