Horoscope

A great blessing in my life, especially when I’m having a day like yesterday, is my tear-off page a day desk calendar from The Onion.

Occasionally they provide an ‘alternative’ horoscope:

Taurus:
You know you should really stop hurling fistfuls of
hamsters out the window of your speeding car, but they’re so darn cute.

Caroline – if you’re going shopping soon, I may not be the best companion...

Of course you could adjust the concept to a more humane result: