Sunday, January 21, 2007

Post Rapture Pet Care

I trust dear readers, that you are all regular perusers of the divine Caroline over at One Pedestrian Away; but just in case you've missed this, I give you: Jesus Pets.

The claim it's for real (I maintain my reservations), but anyway, let me explain in their own words:
What is JesusPets?

If Jesus returns tonight, who will feed your pets tomorrow?

Who is going to care for your pets after you are raptured into heaven?

Many Christians believe that animals do not go to heaven. So when Jesus comes back and you return with him to heaven, will there be somebody to take care of your dog or cat?

That’s what JesusPets is for. We are assembling a community of heathen pet-lovers to care for pets that are “left-behind.” We are coordinating with feed mills and kennels in preparation for your post-apocalyptic pet care needs.
Not convinced you need their services yet? Well think on my friends, read the FAQs:
Your pet in a salad with fresh edamame

This is real folks. That unnamed food conglomerate is at it again.

You have to realize that some countries are going to take armageddon a little harder than others. The ones that have been around for say 10,000 years have seen it all before and they'll hit the ground running. 250-year-old countries? Eh, not so good.

This food conglomerate has operating plans to find your pet in those younger countries, return them for processing, and then use time travel to sell them pre-rapture to a well-known fast food chain.
Excellent, time-travelling catering suppliers and everything.

But it seems all is not well in the world of post-rapture pet care policies. It looks like it's been getting nasty:
Some information has been circulating about competing services by so-called "Christians" offering similar post-apocalyptic pet care. At least one of these services, and I'm not going to mention their name, has been making arrangements with an international resturant distributor. After the rapture, they plan to sell your pets to godless Asian restaurant chains for use as food.

I want to make it clear that JesusPets does NOT condone these practices and I assure you that your pets will be safe with JesusPets. Just because we are heathens does not mean we are not also pet lovers.
The again, maybe they'd do better to avoid the term 'pet lovers' given that in their FAQs they also state:
In the news item The End Is Really Really Near This Time aliens come and have their way with abandoned pets. It's not clear whether they are better described as Angels or Aliens but either way they like to go from planet to planet and have group sex with things.

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