Advice Shop - redux

The last few days have seen a steady surge in referrals to this blog from people looking for the Chand Raat market.

Accordingly I guess it’s fitting time for me to offer another advice shop session for the hapless wanderers whose strange, fascinating and at times downright disturbing search terms have led them to my blog doorstep:

Getting the vaguely sensible/useful stuff out the way first: the Chand Raat Market will indeed be happening in Manchester again this year. So anyone looking to get provisions for Eid, head to L0ngsight Market tonight from 8pm. More details here.

Moving on to the more intriguing search terms:

• polar bears tolerance level – I have no idea what the tolerance level of a polar bear is and I have a sneaking suspicion that practical experiments in this area aren’t to be advised…
• cheer up sam endicott – yeah go on Sam, I mean you may be somewhat ‘living in the 80’s’ both musically and fashion wise (it probably is time to rethink that eye make-up sweetie), highly derivative and not exactly Brandon Flowers' favourite person, but Honest Mistake is still a better tune then most people ever manage to write (though Brandon probably has you pipped there as well to be fair...I'm not really helping am I?)
• pro-tensium – it’s made-up cosmetic firm nonsense, there is no such thing, it doesn’t exist, stop looking.
• UK wedding hair Alnwick – well if hairdressing services are of the same quality as hotel food preparation in that delightful town, then I’d suggest you think again…unless of course you don’t mind their interpretation of “just take a bit of the ends” resulting in you celebrating your big day with a crew cut.
• Dfs Number for Queen elizabeth grammar school – 324895. Next!
• why can custard powder be sometimes explosive – because bozos like you will always decide to conduct a goofy experiment to see if it’s true and that’s one of the ways nature keeps the numbers down.
• bedsits through out warrington – oh geez, what a thing to be needing to search for - your life must be one whole world of pain. Go to the train station now – you’ll thank me in the long run.
• waffle and daub architecture – When Puns Attack (hint try wattle)
• sperm wrinkle cream effectiveness – eeeuuwwwgghh! Just eeeuuwwwgghh!
• dan radcliffes mobile number – well I could tell you, but you missed out the apostrophe so I shan’t
• inappropriate use of anti vandal paint – tagging a tube train?
• what does mums gone to iceland mean – well indeed! Perhaps it simply means that the advertising executives responsible for this gem need a good feminist smack to the chops
• What Critics have to say about the asda mum in a million campaign – the response above may give you a clue as to what this ‘critic’ would have to say about it…
• irony in Reach out and Touch – you won’t find anything like that here thank you
• strange attics – or that
• bondage & domination in rochdale - and definitely nothing like that
• prescribes baileys – George has taught me that Baileys is the suitable prescription for almost any complaint. Usually around the middle of bottle two, I stop with the complaints and start agreeing with her (and anyone else in the room).
• ankle cuff short stories – Once upon a time there was an ankle cuff. It didn’t know what its purpose in life was. This made it very sad. One day it met another similarly aimless ankle cuff and they fell in love. They never did discover their reason for existing, but at least they had each other now. And that was slightly better. The End

This has been a public service blog.