Bad blogger, bad blogger, go to your room!

The following correspondence landed in my inbox recently:

Dear Ms xxxxx,

I am forced to write this epistle as usually I am kept fully up to date of your comings and goings via your rather excellent blogging site. The wonders of modern science.

I have of late noticed a distinct lack of information being published on your blog and I was wondering if all was well.

I am not by nature a nosey person but on this occasion I am forced to act of character.

It is quite irresponsible of you to create an audience expectation by recounting hilarious adventures, with a myriad of weird and wonderful characters, whom I believe you refer to as your ‘friends’. All the vivid descriptions of yummy food that you devour and your rather odd little fetish for buying shoes and handbags willy nilly. Then because of a busy week, or a lack of self discipline, or even, and I tend to think this is most likely ... Rather too many shopping expeditions ... You just leave your faithful audience just waiting ... And waiting.

This is the kind of shoddy behaviour that lost us the empire and it is fairly obvious to me that you don’t know your born.

I trust this finds you in good health and I would appreciate a little less shilly shallying about and a little more nose to the grindstone.

Yours faithfully

Colonel Witterspoon (retired)

It would seem only polite to respond:

Dear Colonel Witterspoon (retired),

Thank you for your correspondence; it’s so delightful when one receives communication in electronic form from the old and infirm.

I can only apologise for the lack of blog entries of late, life has been rather busy. I feel duly chastised by your words however and will endeavour to improve my performance in this field (I had no idea my thoughtless behaviour, could result in the loss of an empire).

I must admit however, to being intrigued as to your identity. Have we met?

I confess at first I thought, given your “bit camp, quite funny” writing style, that you might be one of my friends...oops I mean “weird and wonderful characters”…called Steve, but I realise the folly in that assumption.

On re-reading the content of your letter, I realise it was perfectly silly of me to think for a moment that you might be the nom de plume for that infamously erratic blogger and ultimate consumerism junkie. You must think me a right chump!

Anyway, I suspect that it will be hard for me to fully atone for the sins that you so reasonably level at me, but I will give it my best shot. I include below a catch up blog as some small recompense for the missing period, but I fear that full service may not properly resume until next week.

At that point I will endeavour to place my nose to the grindstone and quit both the shillying and the shallying.

I only hope that with time, I might regain your high regard and valued esteem.

Yours penitently,

Dame Manolo Blahnik

Summary blog:

Work completed – immense

Lunches with CEO – one

Career limiting comments made comparing company to a Gucci watch – one (but he started it)

End of GCSEs nights out with adopted niece for tapas – one

Technology shopping trips with Stuart – one

Shoe shops including in ‘technology’ shopping trip – two

Physical effort required to force a mardy faced Stuart into said shops – medium to high

Pairs of shoes purchased – one (some excellent double tongued brown converse in the sale)

Chances of ever persuading Stuart to come ‘technology’ shopping again – slim to zero

Visits to newly decorated soon to be home for the DCaRC household – one

Respect for K’s interior decorating skills – high

Cricket overs watched – 20 and errr 20

Dancing giraffes – one

Books of poetry read – one (Rapture by Carol Ann Duffy)

Level of enjoyment of poetry anticipated – low

Level of enjoyment of poetry actual – high

Pubs visited – four

Currys eaten - one

Festival emails and phone calls – immeasurable

Level of frustration – rising

Number of contract killings contemplated – one

Number of contracts placed – zero (as yet)

Trips to Cheltenham - one

Ability to mask loss of faith and trust in a professional manner – all time low

Showdowns – one

Positive outcomes – time will tell

Sleepless nights – two

Good buddies getting me through it – countless

Level of love felt for said buddies – beyond expression