So not at all formal then...

It’s been a long time since I’ve heard my mother really laugh. Laugh in that uncontrollable, ‘might wet my pants any moment’ manner.

I’m therefore glad that the following exchange caused her to laugh thus, but it is the only redeeming feature of the tale.

I merely rang her to let her know that as our MD was unable to make some do related to a charity our company have just become patrons of, I was having to attend and I thought it might be in London. If that turned out to be the case I would try to organise things, take leave, etc to combine it with visiting her.

"So what type of do is?” she asked “Is it very formal? Will you need to dress up?"

"Oh lord I hope not, you know how I hate anything like that" I replied

"If it’s in the evening, you might need to buy an outfit"

"No way, you know I hate stuff like that. It’ll be fine, I’ll just wear a work suit."

"So not a big formal do with meal then?"

"No, I think it’s the same thing that they mentioned in a letter the other month that I got a copy of. I’m sure that mentioned it just being a drinks reception…hang on I’ll find the letter."

L1z rummages through in tray...

"Yes here you go, it’s fine, it is just drinks, no big deal…it says: "I would like to invite you to our annual Patrons Drinks Reception, held at the Institution of Civil Engineers, where you will be presented with the Patrons certificate by HRH The Princess Royal."….OH BUGGER!"

At this point my mother started laughing uncontrollable in what can only be described as a very unsupportive manner.

Ideas as to how I can get out of this?

Anyone?

Anyone at all?

And don't think mentioning courtseying will be anymore entertaining coming from you lot, than it was from my hysterically giggling parent...

Go Jerry! Go Jerry!

Good news, Jerry Springer the Opera will now be doing a national tour after all.

Stephen Green of the ever so delightful (supposedly) Christian Voice is quoted as claiming that the director Stewart Lee has a "perverse missionary fervour". I see the Irony Olympics are alive and well.

He's also encouraging people to try and protest and get the tour pulled. I hope he fails to get any significant support. I hope anyone duped into following his lead first time around has had their eyes open to quite how much of a fruitcake extremist he really is.

I feel sick to the stomach when people like this presume to represent a faith I hold dear. The way of Christ that I recognise may not be about perfection, but it is about love, grace, justice, peace and living life to the full; it is certainly not characterised by mean spirits, judgmental attitudes, lack of compassion and closed minds.

But then I guess Mr Green and co would suppose my mortal soul is beyond all hope.

Luckily I don’t think it’s his call.

Garrr!

Ahoy me land lubbing hearties! Tis International Talk Like a Pirate Day.

Charlotte the Tarred

Saddle up!

Thanks (well kind of...) to Dave for the link to the strangeness that is Saddleback Family Church’s worship programme.

Ok, so the little I know about the purpose driven Rick Warren suggests that his church is probably not going to be my cup of tea, but even I wasn’t prepared for this:





Dig around the website a bit and you can find some real gems; such as the opportunity to learn to worship through hula dancing (lessons provided) and a special section of the website in case you’re a first time visitor and are unsure what to wear. The advice is "dress casually and you’ll fit right in. After all, we have a pastor who wears Hawaiian shirts… and no socks!".

Shudder.

I mean, obviously, 'with socks' would be worse, but even so...

But hey, maybe best not to completely judge a church purely on fashion sense (really Steve I know you want to, but it’s not 'good'...), so I had a look at the "what we believe" section. Unsurprisingly they consider the bible inerrant, but then I’m not too troubled because apparently the good news that this church is selling, is only applicable to the male half of the population anyway. Unsurprisingly perhaps this is a message delievered by men in bad shirts.

The range of worship styles poses a lot of questions about how ghettoised church is and/or should be. Wise folk are debating this on a couple of blogs around the place such as here and here

Obviously, being the shallow blogger that I am, I’m more intrigued by the superficial issues, such as the naff logos and the terrible fashion crimes. After all, if these guys were serious about being culturally relevant, then maybe they should worry a little less about the presentation and maybe look at things like getting with the programme and working out that gender exclusive language and leadership are a little more important than whether you can bring coffee into the service (apparently "Yes! You can...").

Until then, I reserve the right to refuse to take Saddleback too seriously and will return to happily judging them on their naff presentation and dubious fashion sense.

I mean, do they really think Hawaiian shirts are a selling point???

Balls-u-like

So here’s a little story.

On the opening night of the Greenbelt festival one of my ‘buurrdddys’ and I were driving around site (can’t remember why exactly...I’m sure there was some good reason...), when we passed through part of the campsite and came across a group of teenagers juggling with the most amazing glow in the dark juggling balls.

We immediately pulled over and I wound down a window and said "hi".

Now either my reputation proceeds me, or the sight of a site vehicle coming over to them unnecessarily alarmed them, either way we were greeted with a nervous "what have we done wrong?" enquiry.

"Absolutely nothing" I say, "but they are fantastic – where did you get them?!?!?"

Ice broken, the happy teenagers proceed to show us these wonderful juggling balls that they have bought on site at the balls-u-like stall. They glow different colours and can even be set to change colour in sequence as you juggle. So cool!

Now I haven’t juggled for a while, but this could be the thing to cause me to take it back up...I seem to remember it was very good for relieving stress. And heck they’ll make groovy little lights as well!

Sadly by the time I get time to go to the balls-u-like stall it’s Monday and they’ve sold out of the ones I want. No problem though, they give me a lovely fridge magnet with their website details on...so a post festival internet order should do the trick.

So last Saturday I place the order and figuring they won’t fit through the letter box I give my office address.

Wonderfully they arrive on Tuesday.

Slight hitch in that somehow my name has been missed off, meaning that our admin section are trying to work out what to do with a package whose only identifying feature is that it’s from the dubiously entitled balls-u-like (so innocent when you know, so open to alternative interpretations when you don’t...), but happily this gets resolved pretty quickly.

And the balls are so cool.

The only problem is that the internal lights strobe rather than stay on one colour or change more sequentially. Not what I wanted and a definite no-no for my migraines and besie mate’s epilepsy.

So I ring the number on the website and leave a message. They ring back and are so lovely. Turns out the balls I’ve bought don’t quite work the way I was told by the guy on the stall. For my model I’d need different light fittings for solid of sequence lights.

Next thing I know they are sending me six additionally light fittings so I can swap over as I fancy. They absolutely will not let me pay them for this and are just so helpful and wonderful.

Sure enough the light fittings arrived today (this time with my name on the envelope!) and they are wonderful.



This photo does them no justice at all, they're lilac, blue and green in real life, or can cycle through 7 lovely colours.

But you have to see them, squeeze them, throw them, to truly appreciate them.

So cool.

And so cool to find an outfit for whom claims of customer delight is not just empty rhetoric. So if you need juggling gear, diablos, glowing frisbees or such like, then get yourself over there – they’re fab!

Something

More good stuff from the wonderful Kirsty

Ever uttered the phrase "I'm just looking for something on google"?

Ever literally looked for "something" on google?

Go on, have a go...

Sometimes you just gotta love the interwebual thingy.

Something to chew on

Douglas Coupland is most famous for his writing (Generation X, Miss Wyoming, Eleanor Rigby etc), but he is also a visual artist.

In his work entitled Hornets' Nests, he combines these two strands of creativity, by literally chewing on his own work and using the pulp to mimick the creative process of the hornet's nest.

Moving on from his own books, Coupland made two more nests, one formed from used dollar bills (which he states took considerable chewing) and the other from the far finer and possibly more edifying pages from a Gideon bible.

Each nest apparently took a week of chewing, which Coupland undertook in front of the TV. Side effects included being devoid of saliva for days afterwards; though the forethought of pre-dousing the dollar bills in antiseptic, addresses certain concerns...so just the chemicals and ink to worry about then ;-)

(thanks to Kirsty at Fragile Tender for the intitial heads up on this. The link from her blog now needs a subscription however!)

Apparently

Well I confess, I didn't recognise many of the favourite hymn choices so scored them all the same, but anyway, apparently:

You scored as Mystical Communion Model. Your model of the church is Mystical Communion, which includes both People of God and Body of Christ. The church is essentially people in union with Christ and the Father through the Holy Spirit. Both lay people and clergy are drawn together in a family of faith. This model can exalt the church beyond what is appropriate, but can be supplemented with other models. Mystical Communion Model 72% Sacrament model 61% Servant Model 56% Herald Model 39% Institutional Model 22% What is your model of the church? [Dulles] created with QuizFarm.com

Advertising Crimes

They’re at it again! Fresh from the triumph of the ASA over Boswelbollox, I had the pleasure last night of catching L’Oreal’s new advert for something including pro-Tensium with claims based on surveys of a staggering 50 or so women.

On top of this I found in my mail, a letter from my bank ‘pre-approving’ me for a large loan, get this, “because you’re you!”. I’m tempted to write back and enquire as to which aspects of my sparkling personality it is that particularly attracted them, but…

But fake personal touches, dodgy customer survey data and pseudo scientific terms are only a few of my pet peeves…and given I haven’t had a really good blog rant for a good while…I hereby present my list of annoying advertising cliches, you know the things that make you take a conscious decision to never, ever purchase the respective product:

• Voice dubbing part 1 – you know when an ad was very clearly shot in a different language and they’ve fudged together an English overlay. Step forward Kinder Surprise – you were one of the first and remain one of the worst.
• Voice dubbing part 2 – ok this one is the cosmetics/perfume/hair colouring one where they overdub the model/actress with her own voice. I mean…just why? Obviously when it comes to Andi McDowell I can understand the problems of getting a good line out of the women (no I’ve never forgiven her for “is it raining…I hadn’t noticed!”, accepted it was never going to be a good line of dialogue, but dear God did she make a duff line worse…), but they do it for all of them. A nice breathy over-dub that fits awkwardly on top of the visuals. Is it supposed to be the aural equivalent of soft-focus?
• Appeal to the Mums – anything that perpetuates the myth that the home is ‘mum’s department’. Because Mums are heros. Mum’s gone to Iceland. Mum in a million. Bleurghh!
• Men are useless – usually relates to household stuff. Oh and the appropriate response is to find this not only a truism, but also whimsical and endearing.
• Your kids will love you if – oh the lovely ploy of buy your kids processed cheese snacks or additive drenched fruit liquids and the opening of their lunch box will ensure you their undying love and affection.
• Part one in a series of – twenty two million parts at the end of which you’ll have spent three grand on a ‘collection’ that’s worth about 10p
• Debt consolidation – no really, they’re not a commercial enterprise at all, they really are just doing it out of the goodness of their hearts
• Credit Card Crimes part 1 - Active Fraud Protection – hmmmm so according to the terms and conditions I have zero fraud liability, so maybe you shouldn’t make out that this initiative to manage what is essentially your risk, is an additional customer benefit eh?
• Credit Card Crimes part 2 – Morgan Stanley Dean Wanker – "My card is...." – look mate if you’re relying on your plastic to give you status in life, then it’s a lost cause already
• Ringtones – if someone passed a law suggesting that the makers of this fucking ads were to be sentenced to a lifetime of imprisonment in Guantanamo Bay with Crazy Frog and Sweety the Chick played at them 23hrs a day...well let's just say it wouldn't be at the top of this liberal hanky-squeezer's Amnesty letter writing list
• Michael Winner – there just really is no justification.
  

And before any wag says it: "Fuck off dear - I know it's only a commercial!".

Actually, I have to confess to having an insurance policy with that company - they seem to be one of the few that don't throw a hissy fit about a Manchester address. However, in my defence, when they asked if there was a reason I was hesitating to renew the policy, I did tell them that I was holding out hoping to find a similar deal, but without the associated Winner element.

They laughed.

...mind you I notice he seems to have been dropped from their latest adverstising campaign and even www.calmdowndear.com just redirects you these days.

I'd like to think it was something I said...however improbable.

Still I'm not the only one who views the world of advertising with suspicion. The BBC recently collected 'rules' as to how the world works, according to the adverts at least...worth a read.

Beautiful Gift

Well a yukky second half to the week – post festival blues compounded by feeling seriously unwell.




On Saturday P&S ring up to say provisions are on their way if I can cope with a little company for an hour or two.

They turn up with a huge bouquet of flowers, bags of food and set about preparing salads and sausage sandwiches all rounded off with (best of all!) scones, strawberry jam and clotted cream.

Setting out in the garden eating a cream tea, with my amazing friends...suddenly the pain in the leg doesn't seem so bad.

Oh and I get a clockwork rhino as well (the obvious present for a poorly sick type apparently!).

Have I mentioned I have the very best sort of friends in the world?

Yet another curry

Home last night and good to have a really long hot shower and a night in a proper bed. Unfortunately I have the familiar signs of cellulitus in my leg (they did warn me it could reoccur) so today it’s a trip to the doc’s for some anti-biotics.

Feeling a bit ropey, but with no food in the house anyway I rouse myself and head to Rusholme.

Stuart, K and my ‘three favourite (not actual) nieces’ and I are developing a post-Greenbelt tradition of a quiet curry at our favourite restaurant (if you have to ask you must be new to this blog…). Good times and lots of cuddles from my younger two nieces who spent the last week at their grandparents. It all helps alleviate the growing yukiness I’m feeling (which either means the infection has hit the bloodstream or I’m yet again not having a good reaction to the medication).

Still curry is a solution to most ills…

At the festival it was observed (as part of the ‘L1z is the shallowest blogger in Greenbelt land’ discussion), that curry is a frequent subject on this blog.

It was remarked by one wag “well if I ever found myself in M@nchester in need of a decent curry, I’d know where to look”.

See this blog does have a purpose after all!

Yay! I have a use!

Gift

Somehow the weekend has flown by.

After another very late night, I fall out of bed and into a Management Group meeting; where I’m greeted by the news “you have to have your photo taken for the website”. Oh that’ll be a good pic then – so not looking my best!

Moving on from such vain concerns, Make Poverty History day and the Wizard of Oz theme is everywhere (Heart, Brain and Courage).

The yellow brick road is looking good as I pass on my way to the Ops Meeting.

Realising that all the Ops team are working all the time and missing the chance to see things at the festival, Karen arranges to bring a little bit of it to us and Juliet Turner accompanied by Harry Napier open the meeting with too gorgeous songs.



Such a beautiful, beautiful gift.

At midnight I finally get to properly go to something and sneak in to see an hour of Last Orders. The fabulous Jude is on good form.

And then before we know it, the last night draws to a close and the workers head to the Organic Beer Tent for a wrap party.

Wonderful way to finish it all off – laughing more than is good for anyone.

Hidden Shallows

Somehow I’ve agreed to be part of a panel on blogging

As I predicted, it seems I am indeed the token shallow person.

So there’s John D on wonderful urban context stuff, Maggi, Jonny and Kester on theology, emerging church and the like, Dave who does the cartoon blog with a work angle and then L1z – who talks about shoes, gigs and Boswelbollox.

Just as I start to have a blogging crisis (why the hell do I do this? is it arrogant to put your stuff on-line at all? why do I have no focus to my blog? how come I can't do deep stuff? etc), I realise a key difference between me and some of the others – I write this because I like writing; if friends read it and we keep up with each other’s lives then great, but ultimately I’m not in any sense addressing the world (in fact it freaks me out to think ‘other’ people find this waffle). Accordingly perhaps it doesn't need anymore justification than this: I do it because I enjoy writing it and because I enjoy reading other people's?

Anyway, after conversations with Steve L, I’m seriously considering changing the subtitle of this blog to "Hidden Shallows"...and not for the first time.



Still at least I don’t go to an art’s festival and spend my time desperately trying to find a tv to watch the cricket on. At first it seemed that these sad folk must be watching feeding time in the Workers’ room (chuck a Pie in amongst a gathering of stewards and I presume you get a sight akin to neon yellow hi-viz piranhas in a feeding frenzy)...




Honestly and we go to all the lengths of laying on fab entertainment like Bedlam Oz and the Polar Explorers...but no what do they want to see? Sodding cricket.

I ask you...this:

or this: ?

Festival

The site is alive and it feels good.

The centre course area is already proving a huge success and everywhere I look there are people enjoying themselves.

It makes all the hard work seem worthwhile.

Which I try to remember at 4am when we’re still dealing with the chaos caused by a handful of trouble makers.

Opening Day

Friday is always a strange day on site. Suddenly a space where you knew pretty much everyone, opens up to tens of thousands of people.

Ben and his team have done a cracking job and one by one the venue managers get their venues open.

Mid evening I walk up the main drag behind the grandstand and look over to see the parade ring arena full of people chilling out on the grass in front of the Tiny Tea Tent and watching the big screen.



I physically start grinning – such a total vindication of the big screen – it’s working!



Heading into the pit for the last song by Emiliana Torrini, it’s clear that the Stage 1 area is working as well. A good balance between the two.